Right now I am see-sawing back and forth on the brink of a choice to embrace Light or wallow in fear. There is a part of me that has so identified with having a body that I sometimes forget that it is a vehicle but not the power that animates. I have come so close to death but never actually experienced it that I sometimes have a false sense of intimacy with the shift in matter that occurs at that moment. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I have learned the fear of dying unexpectedly but never gone into the unknown so my relationship with death is not transcendent, but rather a flirtation that gives a false sense of mastery or kinship with it.
I want to be cozy with bodily death because I realize on a fundamental level that I am not loosing anything but rather, leveling up, so to speak. Now that I have a child, I am faced with the integration of the notion that he would not be loosing anything either, should I transition before he reaches maturity. That one is a lot harder, more than likely because I haven't embodied a state of peace around death yet myself.
The heritage I come from teaches that death is like sleep and that we will awaken when Jesus returns to be reunited with our loved ones. Death will have no more power. Essentially, everything stops when you die. Your spirit doesn't ascend, it just goes into a deep freeze until you're unthawed by the Lord. Of course everyone will be sad when a loved one dies but it should work out ok as long as you've been saved. That however, is another gamble that you can't REALLY know for sure, no matter how many scriptural assurances are thrown at you in church. It was almost a matter of pride in our culture to be in a continual state of wondering and therefore constant questioning (read, worrying) of your salvation.
I don't think this is extremely helpful, nor correct, especially when the good lord spent so much time speaking about love and being able to do miracles, heal the sick, walk on water, and generally, be rad, accepting human beings that recognize their divinity. It's all been horribly twisted. It is still the A track however, so when I am faced with an imbalance in my physical body I find myself standing at a crossroads.
Part of me says, "No problem. This is an opportunity to remember wholeness and restore balance."
The other part of me says, "Red Alert! You are about to be put into the fire! Your body is fallible! Sin! Sin! Death! Scary!"
I infinitely prefer the first option and so am battling for the space to view all options and outcomes with equanimity...that said, what I really ought to be focusing on is the Source of Light. By beholding we become changed. Not by creating crazed regimes of enlightenment but existing in the Light. Enjoying the connectedness. Remembering that we are all spirits having a bodily experience.
My homework now is exploring ways and states of being that raise my consciousness to exist in this truth with ever deepening awareness. So let it be written. So let it be done.
